Update..

The cup thing was lame. I eat less than a cup per meal anyways...moving on... I am typing this from my treadmill! Check out my treadmill desk concoction!

I start the spring semester in a couple days and I need to be able to get my workout in and get my homework done. So giving this a try again. I bought SurfShelf laptop desk thing from Amazon but the way my treadmill is set up it didn't work too well. It would have been awesome if I had a different console. My ghetto style one forces me to walk towards the back of the treadmill. Oh well, it serves the purpose.

So the cup thing was dumb. What did I do instead?? I met with my therapist on Monday morning. We talked about my compulsve thinking about food and how I still eat for emotional reasons. She said that from what I was saying I am not in touch with my thoughts and feelings when I am in these compulsive mindsets. Intellectually I get what is going on but I am not allowing myself to feel the feelings that are driving me to eat. She suggested that I stop for few moments and journal/chart how I am feeling and what I am thinking when I feel the desire to eat outside of hunger. I started doing it that day. Here are some screen shots from the notebook on my iphone.

It was very interesting to see how bothered I get by small things and how much my eating is triggered by stess. This week was rough. I suffer with an anxiety disorder. Generally the mood stabilizer I take along with a PRN anti-anxiety medication does the trick. But these last few days I haven't been able to kick the constant feeling of worry and like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I am on the treadmil right now trying to get some endorphines flowing since I have taken 2 PRN pills today with no avail. I tried meditation and deep breathing as well. Its been a crappy day. So here I am doing two things that help make me feel better. Walking and blogging/journaling. My sister is coming over to hang out too. She always makes me feel better to. All I can do is keep moving forward because I can't just crawl in bed and check out. The kids need there mom. My mom suffered from severe depression when I was young and I have memories of her in bed while my dad took us out. I dont want to give my kids the same memories. I'm sure this week will he better!

My first experiment of the year

So I just realized that I will turn 30 this year! Ahhhhh! Exciting and scary at the same time. I really want to leave my food issues/obsessions in my 20s. So I am making a conscious effort this year (and more so in the first half since my b-day is in July) to figure out what works for me and to make peace with food. So the expirement starts today.

This week I will measure all of my food and I will eat 1 cup or less of food at each meal. No rules on what kind of food this week. Just a cup or less.

I know that shouldn't be too hard since I have an altered stomach, but I think being mindful of how much is on my plate will help. So I have a 1 cup measuring cup and I have asked my sister to join me in this week long endevour! I'll keep you posted on the progress.

New Year

I can't believe it has been almost 8 months since I posted here. Several reasons/excuses:

1. I went back to school. I am working on a master's degree in Counseling Psychology with the hopes of going on to a doctoral degree and becoming a psychologist.

2. (and the main reason) I got very LAZY with not only maintaining the blog but with life in general and with my life after WLS. I stopped doing all of the things I was suppose to be doing. I stopped working out. I stopped drinking my protein shake/coffee because I couldn't bring myself to spend $50 bucks on the tub. I slowly stopped having my yogurt everyday. I also stopped taking my vitamins! Really? Those are less than $10. Pure laziness. My diet/eating spiralled out of control. I started eating what ever when ever. I think I gained 5-10 lbs. I'm not 100% sure because my scale broke and I stopped paying attention. I weigh about 183 right now. My old scale said 173 one time only, so I have gained 10 lbs at the most. Still HORRIBLE since I am only 18 months post op. Anyways...

A few weeks ago I stopped and evaluated where I was at. I was feeling out of control with my eating and my emotional issues surrounding food were making me feel like a crazy person. I sat down with my journal and started trying to see what was going on. I realized that over the last few months I stopped doing all of the things that made me feel good, mentally and physically. I had stopped making my health a priority. It didn't happen over night, but slowly but surely I just stopped caring. I realized that what I needed to do to get back on track was pretty simple. So for Christmas I bought myself a big ole' tub of protein and some vitamins! I started making my protein coffee and taking my vitamins daily. I stopped taking the elevator at work. I am trying to work out 20 minutes a day but that hasn't been working out as well. I have a treadmill but it needs some servicing so Sears is coming Thursday to give it a tune up. I am trying to get back to where I was and go farther to get myself healthy and on track. I also made an appointment with my bariatric doctor to talk to him about plastic surgery and my struggles and an appointment with my therapist to start to work through my food issues.

Today is New Year's day and I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do in this new year. I would like to lose another 10-20 lbs but honestly I am less concerned with that as I am about not gaining any weight. I want to stay healthy and get healthier. I have been thinking a lot about creating a set of rules to live by. I feel like I need to set some guidelines for myself to keep myself in line. I started doing this last year with the protein and it really helped. I want to write about my experiences here. I want to create a list of strategies I can pull from when I am struggling so I can keep on track. I don't want to just focus on my eating but that is where I will start since that is what occupies the majority of my thoughts.

I will try hard to keep posting here. It is therapeutic for me. It feels like a creative outlet and I really like it. Happy New Year!

New Driver's License!

My drivers license expired this year and I had to go to the DMV to get a new one! It was so fantastic to update my weight and my picture! On my last drivers license, I put 250 even though I was pushing 275! Then I put on another 60 lbs! On my new license I only fudged a few pounds and put 170 instead of 178. I figure I'll probably settle around 170 so I thought that would be a safe number. The lady at the DMV even commented on my weight loss. And on top of that fun I had an appointment and was in and out in 20 minutes! Sweet!!!

Walking challenge update: I am done with my miles already this week. I had 3 long walks this week. Sunday my sister and I walked the 3 mile walk from her house to our BBQ at my mom's. Monday I played hookie from work and the kids and I went for a walk at the beach for another 3.5 miles. Yesterday I did another 3 miles. My son has art camp this week at our community center from 2-4. Usually at this point in the summer it is 90+ degrees but we have had very mild weather so I decided to save the time and gas going across town back home and took the baby on a walk instead. We walked to our local 99 cent only store 1.6 miles away. This was a very hilly walk! I prefer flat (who doesn't!) so this was challenging. This pic is from mile 2- 2.5. This picture doesn't do the incline justice! I was also pushing 50+ in a stroller. It was a WORKOUT! My feet/shoes are still bothering me. I experimented with the ball of the foot cushions I bought when I got my shoes. They didn't help at all and I think they actually made the problem worse. The last mile was horrible on the feet and as soon as we got back to the park, I took my shoes off and headed for the grass! My toes felt like they were on fire. This is really bumming me out. They don't bother me much for the first 2 miles but after that they start to hurt. I am almost wondering if some type of fitness sandal would be a better option for me. Maybe having my toes free would feel better? I just want to make sure I have some cushion and shock absorption. When I did that walk in flip flops a few weeks ago I ended up with pain in my heel! Damn feet! I think I am going to look online at fitness sandals and see whats out there. I have to figure something out because I am loving distance walking and I don't want foot pain to stop me. Take care everyone!

Let's talk about vitamins...

...because I need to remind myself of their importance! I have gotten very, very lazy about my vitamins. I do manage to take a multi-vitamin 2x a day when I take my depression medication, but I have a very hard time getting the rest in. Maybe I don't need the additional ones?? On a good vitamin day I should take the following...

1. Centrum Chewables 2x

2. Citracal 250 iu each 2x-4x

3. Iron 325 mg 2x day w/stool softener (sexy...)

4. Vitamin A 8000 iu 1x

5. Vitamin D 1000 iu 1x

6. Daily Depression med. 2x

I even bought myself this fancy old person pill box at the 99 cent store! Problem is ideally I have to take them all throughout the day in order to reap the full absorbtion. I can't take iron with calcuim. I don't want to take the addional A or D or iron or calcuim with the multi because I doubt I can absorb it all at once. I really need to be better with this to avoid the vitamin deficencies. Thus bringing me to my other deliema...

Labs. My 1 year labs are due this week. My doctor has been sending me hate mail reminding me to go. Ok, not hate mail. It's nice to have a doctor/insurance carrier that is as proactive as Kaiser is. But our insurance benefits changed at the beginning of the year and I have a $300 deductible and a 10% copay. Kaiser orders 15+ labs at the 1 year check-up and I cannot afford it. I applied for the member assistance program and was denied because they thought I made too much money. I can't afford the labs that I really need to have. If my levels are good then I don't need to worry about taking the extra vitamins/supplements but if they are not, then I need to get them up so I don't do some serious damage to my body. It sucks having to pay for healthcare. Last year when I had my surgery, I had FANTASTIC coverage. I didn't have a deductible or lab copays. I paid $250 dollars for my hospital stay and surgery! I was super lucky! This year it would have cost me $1000+ and I wouldn't have been able to afford it. My hubby's work changed the policy and I had no choice in the matter. Don't get me wrong. I am very thankful to have affordable health insurance, but in times like this, I really wish it was better. I'll figure it out and come up with the money somehow, but it won't be this week. I need to go to Kaiser this week and ask how much it will be. Maybe by some miracle I was wrong about my benefits and it won't cost me as much as I am fearing. If not, at least I will know how much I need. Hope you all had a nice holiday weekend! My hubby, kids, and I went to Balboa Island/Beach today and walked 3.5 miles. I bribed my oldest with a dried starfish and he didn't whine the entire time. He ended up with a shark tooth necklace but whatever works right? My 2 year old feel asleep for the last mile...

Back to real life tomorrow! Take care!

Testing my will

I am currently at a BBQ with the family. The menu for the night was grilled chicken breast, salad with tons of veggies, couscous salad with cucumber and feta, and homemade potato salad! Fucking potato salad! I want to rub it on my body! Tee hee hee! I ate some but what annoys me is how bad I want more! I am feeling frenzied about it. I want to eat and eat and eat!! Here is what I ate plus some extra nibbles over the course of the evening. I am on my iPhone and I can't figure out how to upload from here. It was a pretty plate full of 85% healthy and 15% potato salad! I am sitting outside right now far from the kitchen. I did make a plate of potato salad and couscous for later to ease that part of my brain that is obsessing over the food. We have about an hour and a half before fireworks and a ice cream sandwich cassarole desert thing in the fridge. Damn it! Oh well, we did walk 3 miles here so maybe I earned some of the potato salad and a tiny slice of desert ;)

Initiation

I have been giving my new shoes some action the last couple days. Last night I went with my sister Laura and her friend Lindsey for a walk at our local Regional Park. I did 1.85 of the planned 3 mile walk because my son started whining and I simply didn't want to listen to it anymore! I got a late start on the walking challenge this week because of my foot pain last weekend and the new shoe purchase. Today I walked 2 miles on my lunch hour around beautiful downtown Redlands. It was hot but there was enough of a breeze so it wasn't terrible. The heat doesn't bother me like it used to. It's amazing the difference 150+ pounds makes!! Walking at the park yesterday had me craving some nature so we headed up the mountain to Lake Gregory and walked there this afternoon with the kiddos. The lake had a nice walking trail around the entire lake. The weather was great and aside from the whinning kid it was fantastic. I don't understand what his problem is. Kids his age should be ecstatic about being outside! Right?? In his defense, I didn't realize he was wearing flip flops and we did just walk. We didn't stop to play in the water or anything. This is mostly due to our other son, 2 year old Cooper. He is a wild child and if he is content in the stroller at the moment, we try not to push our luck. So my walking tally is up to nine miles for the week! Not too bad for the last 3 days!