Look forward, look back

Warning...confused rambling of a crazy person at 2 am ahead...proceed with caution...


I was reading this months Shape Magazine and I saw this quote from the Editor and Chief. "You just have to make the decision to go forward and never look back-and then move slowly and steadily toward your goal." When I first read it I thought, heck yeah! That is exactly what I need to do. I need to embrace this new life I have and stop worrying so much about how I used to be. I need to make the decision to move forward and continue this healthy lifestyle. But I still get stuck inside my head. I feel bad about myself when I eat when I'm not hungry or when I think about food too much. I start to obsess about how I am still the same in so many ways and that terrifies me. I never want to be that sad, miserable person I was. This way of life is so much better! But why can't I stop putting food in my face when I am not hungry? What is going on inside my head that makes me reach for food? Honestly, I don't know what it is. I have been reading Geneen Roth's Women Food and God and I agree that there must be something I am trying to pacify with food but when I think about it I draw a blank. I don't have any childhood trauma, no big loss in my life recently. I have been very lucky. My parents got a divorce when I was in high school and I gained a bunch of weight after that, so I am sure that has something to do with it, but I can't put my finger on what I feel somewhere down deep that makes me turn to food. I have also been reading Loving What Is (I really want to get to the bottom of my emotional eating, if you haven't noticed) and she (Byron Katie) says that it isn't our thoughts that cause suffering but out attachment to our thoughts. When we attach ourselves to thoughts, often thoughts that are false, we develop our beliefs about ourselves and our lives. Those beliefs become the story that we tell ourselves a 100 times a day. Living our lives inside of these false stories that we tell our self lead us to live a life "caught in a dream" This "dream" causes us to try to alter and manipulate the stressful feelings we get when we attach ourselves to untrue thoughts. WTF? It is 2 in the morning and way to late for my brain to be trying to figure this out, let alone trying to explain it to someone else. :) Please excuse my philosophical ramblings. But I think this also brings up a part of me that I really don't like. I shut down. I start to scratch the surface and get confused and muddled and overwhelmed, so I just shut down. Maybe I am being too hard on myself? Maybe I am being to complacent with myself? Maybe I am just a drama queen LOL. The latter is probably true :) I think I think I should be more F*&cked up that I really am? There is something there and I'll figure it out. I need to just relax and start "inquiring" (Byron Katie and Geneen Roth buzz word) when these feelings (crazy food obsessions) arise. Byron Katie says we need to be curious about the thoughts that we have without judgement or fear. A thought is just a thought. And with that, I am going to stop this crazy train for the night.