Look forward, look back

Warning...confused rambling of a crazy person at 2 am ahead...proceed with caution...


I was reading this months Shape Magazine and I saw this quote from the Editor and Chief. "You just have to make the decision to go forward and never look back-and then move slowly and steadily toward your goal." When I first read it I thought, heck yeah! That is exactly what I need to do. I need to embrace this new life I have and stop worrying so much about how I used to be. I need to make the decision to move forward and continue this healthy lifestyle. But I still get stuck inside my head. I feel bad about myself when I eat when I'm not hungry or when I think about food too much. I start to obsess about how I am still the same in so many ways and that terrifies me. I never want to be that sad, miserable person I was. This way of life is so much better! But why can't I stop putting food in my face when I am not hungry? What is going on inside my head that makes me reach for food? Honestly, I don't know what it is. I have been reading Geneen Roth's Women Food and God and I agree that there must be something I am trying to pacify with food but when I think about it I draw a blank. I don't have any childhood trauma, no big loss in my life recently. I have been very lucky. My parents got a divorce when I was in high school and I gained a bunch of weight after that, so I am sure that has something to do with it, but I can't put my finger on what I feel somewhere down deep that makes me turn to food. I have also been reading Loving What Is (I really want to get to the bottom of my emotional eating, if you haven't noticed) and she (Byron Katie) says that it isn't our thoughts that cause suffering but out attachment to our thoughts. When we attach ourselves to thoughts, often thoughts that are false, we develop our beliefs about ourselves and our lives. Those beliefs become the story that we tell ourselves a 100 times a day. Living our lives inside of these false stories that we tell our self lead us to live a life "caught in a dream" This "dream" causes us to try to alter and manipulate the stressful feelings we get when we attach ourselves to untrue thoughts. WTF? It is 2 in the morning and way to late for my brain to be trying to figure this out, let alone trying to explain it to someone else. :) Please excuse my philosophical ramblings. But I think this also brings up a part of me that I really don't like. I shut down. I start to scratch the surface and get confused and muddled and overwhelmed, so I just shut down. Maybe I am being too hard on myself? Maybe I am being to complacent with myself? Maybe I am just a drama queen LOL. The latter is probably true :) I think I think I should be more F*&cked up that I really am? There is something there and I'll figure it out. I need to just relax and start "inquiring" (Byron Katie and Geneen Roth buzz word) when these feelings (crazy food obsessions) arise. Byron Katie says we need to be curious about the thoughts that we have without judgement or fear. A thought is just a thought. And with that, I am going to stop this crazy train for the night.

Bariatric Bad Girl

So Melting Mama started a FB page for Bariatric Bad Girls (and Boys) and I'm loving it!!! I love what she said about the "bad girls"

"It's not about breaking rules. It's not eating badly. In fact, most of the BBGC girls (and boys!) are rule-followers, go figure. We simply want long-term weight loss surgery success and happiness, for everyone, regardless of starting point, or RE-starting point. We are all equal, we are all human, we all make mistakes, and nobody is perfect."

This is so true! I call myself a lazy girl about my WLS but the truth is I am far from lazy when it comes to my life after WLS. I am diligent about getting in my protein and I am aware of what I am doing. I may not make the best choices all the time but I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 2 years ago. I think the point of the Bad Girls and what I am trying to do in my own life is finding a way to be ourselves with our WLS. I don't want to be defined by a surgery I had. I am thankful beyond words that I got to have this surgery and lose 120 lbs in 10 months but I refuse to live my life a slave to the crazy over the top "rules" given to me by my nut! I do the essentials (take my vitamins and get in my protein) and I don't sweat the small stuff. Thanks Melting Mama for the breath of fresh air in the WLS world!!!!

Movie Night!

So my sister Amber and I went and saw Sex and the City 2 tonight! What a fun movie! It is exactly what you would expect it to be! Funny and Fabulous! We went to 7-11 for some movie treats. I found these new M&M pretzel candies! OMG, so friggin' good! I am a big fan of salty/sweet combos and this one is a winner. And they are a pretty good candy choice as far as I was concerned...150 calories, 5 grams of fat and 16 grams of sugar. Not too bad for candy. But here is where I find myself annoyed at myself. Why did I have to involve food in my fun evening activity? I know our culture forces food on us for EVERY event so I'm sure it is sheer habit but I hate it and I really want to change it. I don't want to feel the desire to eat every time I go to the movies, or go to Disneyland, or go to the zoo, or go to Target! Grrrrr! The fat girl inside me still thinks about food ALOT and I really want to change that but I am not sure how. I bought a book a few days ago that was recommended to me by a therapist I work with. According to him, if you work through the book, you can bypass the need for therapy. I am all for that since I don't have the time, money, or attention span for therapy. The book is called "Loving What is: Four questions that can change your life" by Byron Katie . I know there are alot of things mentally that I need to work through to make this new body and lifestyle last. I still have a lot of the same food issues I had pre-op. They always said the surgery was on your stomach, not your brain. I always thought that was so cheesy, but it really is true. I am still a fat girl inside. My brain hasn't caught up with my body. I have also been reading Geneen Roth's Woman Food and God book. Problem with me is I get so overwhelmed at the thought of doing the soul searching involved in this book that I put it off and put it off telling myself that I need to wait until I have some quiet time. As a working mommy of 2 there is very little quiet time in my world. By the time the kids are in bed and the chores are done it's usually 11 pm and I am spent! I need some accountability so I will use this blog. This weekend I will read chapter 1 and 2 of Loving What Is and I will do the Judge-your-neighbor worksheet. I will report back when it is done and let you know how it went. This weekend I will also pick one of Geneen Roth's Eating Guidelines to work on this weekend. I will do "Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car." Well, it feels good to have a plan. I already have a cleaning to do list and a new novel I am dying to start The Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. So I think I will read one chapter of the Outlander then do something off my To-Do list. It's going to be a lazy long weekend so that should work...

Enjoy your long weekend!

Thursday 13

Now that I am a super cool blogger, I thought I would give Thursday 13 a try. Today's 13...

13 Things to Do with Greek Yogurt!

1. Mix any fresh or frozen (my preference) fruit into it with some Splenda (or sweetener of your choice). Better than anything you could buy at the store!

2. Mix Apple or Pumpkin Butter into it. This is my current fav!

3. Mix a tablespoon or 2 of Sugar Free pudding for a fluffy sweet treat. Just be careful not to add too much or you will have a VERY thick bowl of yogurt.

4. Mix a tablespoon of any flavor Sugar Free Torani Syrup. This, like the SF pudding gives endless flavor opportunities. I like Vanilla and Peppermint so far!

5. Flavor to taste and then add in some granola, Kashi GoLean, Frosted Mini Wheats, any cereal you like for some crunch.

6. Add cold oatmeal and some fruit. It sounds weird, but thanks to Peanut Butter Finger's blog, I am a fan! Give it a try!

7. In a blender, add 1 cup of Greek yogurt, a 1+ cups of frozen strawberries that have been nuked in the microwave for 30 seconds and 4 oz of OJ. Yummy protein packed smoothie! You could add any fruit/juice combo, except bananas, that's just nasty!

8. Use in place of Sour Cream in recipes, on tacos, on chili, in soup (I add to Fresh and Easy's Chicken Tortilla Soup to dial down the heat), pretty much anywhere you would use sour cream, leading me to #9.

9. Mix in Ranch Dressing mix or Onion soup mix. I find 1/2 packet per 8 oz is perfect! Grab some veggies, or your finger and dig in!

10. Mix in chunky salsa for a great dip! Also mix with Avocado and garlic salt for another yummy dip for tortilla chips.

11. Through in a stick of Crystal Light and some Splenda! I like to use the Pink Lemonade flavor

12. I have wanted to try this for days now...World According to Eggface has been posting about her current addiction called "Fluff Stuff" I am going to make it one of these days! Everything she makes is delish so I'm sure this is no different!

13. Apparently, you can use it as a face mask? I'm going to try that tonight!

Ok, I am sure there are hundreds of other things to do with Greek Yogurt. So comment and let me know what you do with your Greek yogurt! I'm always looking for good tips!

BTW, the pic is from my fridge, not the grocery store! I really like Greek Yogurt...if you couldn't tell!

Disneyland then and now

We have season passes to Disneyland so we go several times a month. My sister and I took a quick trip down there with the kiddos tonight. On the way home I got thinking about how different trips to DL are now. Here I am in Oct 2007.

In my defense, I had a baby one month prior to this... lol! Not a pound of this was because of the baby! I remember being so exhausted after just a few hours. My feet throbbed! My back hurt and I was terrified to go on any of the rides. I did, for my son's sake (that's Patrick in the pic) but it was horrible! I could hardly fit on the rides and I was so uncomfortable. I would not dream of going on rides like Dumbo, Astro Blasters, anything with a seat belt. I remember we went a few months after this pic was taken and I took Patrick on Big Thunder Mountain. If you aren't familiar with DL, it's a fast train roller coster thing. Two people fit into each of the cars. So here I am, 300+ lbs with my 40 lb four year old. The ride has a bar that comes down as far as the biggest person. My son was flying all around the entire time terrified because he was not secure in his seat because his mom was so big the bar would get no where near him. I remember holding on to him so tightly. It was so scary and I remember feeling so guilty that my son had have such a huge mom. Thankfully he was only 4 and probably won't remember that experience, but it was burned into my memory. So flash forward 2 1/2 years...

(That's the back of Cooper's head and yes, we rock the backpack leash the ENTIRE time because Cooper is a crazy runner!) There isn't a ride in the place that I am scared I won't fit into (that's a lie, logically I know I will fit, but the fat girl inside is still terrified). My feet never hurt and I am never tired after a few hours there, even after dealing with my 6 and 2 year old. We went on Dumbo a few months ago and that was such a HUGE deal for me. I hadn't been on that ride since I was a kid! Losing this weight has been so amazing not only for me and my health, but for my kids. They don't have to think twice about their mom not fitting on a ride or having to sit down while they go on rides because I am so tired. During that trip in 2007 I was seriously considering a scooter telling myself that since I had a C-section 3 weeks earlier, I could justify it! How sad is that! The only thing that I still struggle with when I got to DL is the desire to eat the whole time. I always pack snacks and somewhere inside I feel like DL is a treat so we should eat treats. This has to stem from when I was a kid or something when DL was a once a year treat, not a monthly excursion. If I have packed some kind of sweet, I think about it WAY too much! I obsess about it and then give in and induldge. I know I said that I pretty much eat whatever once I have had my protein bar, coffee and greek yogurt but that means I eat whatever "normal" food I want. Sweets should be limited, WLS or not. I am a hit or miss dumper so I never really know when I will get sick with the sweets but that doesn't stop me most of the time. My obsessive thoughts about food are a big struggle for me, but that's another post another time. It's after midnight and I really should go to bed! Have a good one!

Kriste was kung fu fighting...

Well no, but I did take a Kardio Kickboxing class last night... Here is the proof! It was the first aerobic class I have taken since my weight loss. It was much easier than it would have ever been last year, but I am still painfully uncoordinated! I did fine with the repitish(is that a word) stuff but when it came to combos that involved moving around, it was very funny. I just laughed at myself and kept moving! I think I will keep going because it was soooo fun! I haven't been to the gym in over a month because I find basic cardio machines a snore fest. My YMCA has TVs and that still isn't enough to keep me entertained. I think Classes are the key for me. My sister Laura has a membership too but she is very resistant to classes so that's no fun...Oh well! I also like the Yoga class but 7:45 am is just too early for me! I like to exercise my coffee drinking arm at that time of the morning! I love me some coffee! So today I am going to Disneyland with the kiddos so that will be a workout in itself! Have a great day everyone!

Bento Fun

I have been following Worldaccordingtoeggface's blog since I was pre-op and I have loved her posts about her bento box lunches. I would LOVE to get the one she has but I'm cheap so I picked up this one from the 100 yen store (Japanese $1 store) in San Diego last year. I love it because 1) it is cute 2) it has built in portion control power 3) I feel cool using it :) I'm a dork, I know. So here is the bento I prepared Sunday for yesterday that I will eat today

1. A serving size of Honey Wheat Pretzels from Fresh and Easy that I will munch on throughout my day at work. I like to wrap the turkey around them.

2. Turkey lunch meat (10g protein in 2 slices, so 15 grams)

3. 1 oz of cheddar cheese (7 grams of protein)

4. A tablespoon of real Miracle Whip (I don't do light or FF anymore...yuck!)

5. Pack of Smarties, just to keep it fun!

but a drug rep brought Panera yesterday so I ate a modified Sierra Turkey Sandwich

1. The insides of the sandwich on the yummiest looking 1/4 of the bread. This one was especially pretty with lots of cheesey goodness. I also added 3 small potato chips between the turkey slices for some crunch.

2. A couple dips into the sauce

3. A 1/5 of the oatmeal raisin cookie that came in the box. I ate this about 20 minutes later. It wasn't very good so I should have just thrown it away because I deserve only the best tasting stuff (I wish I really believed this but I am trying...) but live and learn right?

I am finishing off my protein coffee and then it's off to work. Just to make you smile, here is a pic of my Basset Hound Lulu Belle from yesterday. She got her lady parts removed and is now rocking this awesome cone!

Have a great day!